she lives and writes: 2010-05-02

Friday, May 7, 2010

i hereby bequeath

in the case that someone does find me under a desk covered in red ink at some point of over the weekend...

and in lieu of an estate* or anything else of real monetary value...

i hereby bequeath to

Maggie: All of my books (author names A-M)

Jamey: All of my other books (author names N-Z)

Ryan: All of your books (regardless of author name)

Mom: The coffee table you bought me (whether out of principle or pity, no matter)

Bimbus Varner: The Jeep (since everyone--except the dead girl--looks hot in a Jeep)

Lindsay: The crib notes to our secret plan to become Kelly Pavlik's new managers (we were closer than you think, lady)

Wabe: My unfinished manuscripts (may you do with them what I couldn't)

Mans: All rights and my blessing to be the one and only Alice

Patrick: Bentley and my Scattergories (maybe you can beat me if I'm not actually there)

Mr. President: All of the unused points on my very sexy gold Starbucks card (may you never drink Folgers and yes, you are expected to share with Julia Child, Margaret Thatcher, Curtis, et al.)

Meg: My direct line in heaven and no consultation fees

007: My (still) undying devotion

Dad: Bean One and Bean Two and my shares in Trident Sugar Free Gum (though HEADS UP--without me and my pack a day habit, value is most likely to plummet)

Erin: My title as the Queen of Starbucks (make me proud, sister, and stick to the hard stuff--milk and sugar are for wusses)

And finally, Madonna, Ludicris, Bon Iver, The Rolling Stones, and the cast of Glee: All of your illegally (sorry) downloaded tracks (you've helped me more than I can possibly express)

*as for my hypothetical summer residence on the Costa del Sol, there will be a hypothetical drawing of straws

the red death

Misplaced commas and the erroneous use of the personal pronoun "you" in academic research papers may in fact be the death of me. Should you find a blonde with distinctly long arms on the floor covered in red ink...you know what happened.

brilliant

Stuff White People Like and Paler Shades of White by Christopher Lander. If you are as late as I am in discovering Lander and his quasi-anthropological take on people like me, you are missing out. Seriously. Hands down, the funniest books I have ever read (including Sedaris).
Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters by By Alan S. Miller and Satoshi Kanazawa. Tells us what we suspected all along: everything--and I mean everything--from the cars men drive, to why suicide bombers exist, to why American men are better off not traveling abroad, to why women highlight their hair, comes down to sex. This is evolutionary psychology at its most practical. Also, interestingly, confirms that it is women's regular rejection of men that makes the world go round.
Two words: Freddie Ljungberg. The Swedish soccer star just may give James Bond and Johnny Depp a run for their money in my book--an inconceivable possibility until now.
The War of the Roses. "Once in a lifetime comes a motion picture that makes you feel like falling in love again. This is not that movie." The scene where Kathleen Turner does cartwheels down the stairs alone is worth the 2 dollars it will cost you to rent this classic. And this movie is the perfect alternative to that way, way too often prescribed remedy of sitting on the sofa eating ice cream while watching a Nicholas Sparks movie any day.
The Book of General Ignorance by John Lloyd and John Mitchenson. And you thought you were fairly erudite...well, Johnny and Johnny in a series of brief but thorough chapters ranging in topics from blue whales to loofahs to what Atlas actually carried on his shoulders (and no, it wasn't the world) will rectify that assumption straight away. But rest assured, the reward for getting schooled by these two Brits is that by book's end you will be smarter than at least 99% of the civilized world, and you'll reserve your spot as the most interesting (if not slightly irritating) guest at cocktail parties for years to come.
Vanity Fair April 2010 Issue: Find it. Read it. And, yes, I mean the whole thing. The Real Housewives of the Lehman Brothers, Oliver Stone, Letters to the Editor, and The Barbizon. All brilliant brilliant brilliant.
Jessica Watson, Sydney, Australia. Watson, 16, became the youngest person to sail around the globe solo, nonstop, and unassisted in her pink, 34-foot yacht. Over the course of 210 days, she successfully navigated her boat through storms, 40-foot waves, and seven knockdowns during the 23,000 nautical mile journey. What is she going to do now that she has set the world record? Get her driver's license.
Proverbs 24:16
Snoop: What Your Stuff Says about You by Sam Gosling. The perfect guide to out of control American consumerism, including your own. CSI meets psychology and anthropology to provide insight into why we buy, own, and display what we do. Every item under your bed and in your sink can be sorted as an Identity Claim, a Feeling Regulator, or Behavioral Residue. No longer is a sock just a sock, nor a Bob Marley poster just a Bob Marley poster...
"Size Six: The Western Women's Harem" by Fatema Mernissi. A true eye opener as the writer cleverly concludes that in many ways Western women are not much better off than their veiled sisters in the East. Your take on clothing size will never fit the same. http://www.odemagazine.com/doc/6/size_six_the_western_women_s_harem/ And while I'm at it, if you find this intriguing, check out Maysan Haydar's "Veiled Intentions: Don't Judge a Muslim Girl by Her Covering" in Ophira Edut's Body Outlaws: Rewriting the Rules of Beauty and Body Image (2003).
"The Denzel Principle" by Jimi Izrael. An almost academic probe into the question of why black women can't find "good" (his word, not mine) black men. Controversial? Perhaps. Thorough? Yes. Inspiring me to consider penning "The James Bond Principle"--you know where this is going...
"Is Google Making Us Stupid?" by Nicholas Carr in the July/August 2008 issue of The Atlantic. The short answer according to a college instructor? Yes. The longer, more satisfying answer? Read on: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/07/is-google-making-us-stupid/6868/ Anyone who can link Nietzche and Sophocles with blogging has my attention.
"Get Smarter" by Jamais Cascio in the July/August 2009 issue of The Atlantic. An intriguing answer to Carr. Survival of the fittest: Pharmaceuticals, technology as an exo-skeleton, and why you're going to be left in the dust. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/07/get-smarter/7548/
"The Great Grocery Smackdown" by Corby Kummer in the March issue of The Atlantic: Wal*Mart vs. Whole Foods ends in suprising vindication for those who would rather not spend $16.99/lb on chicken breasts aka closet-Wal*Mart shoppers.
Generation Me by Jean M. Twenge, PhD: a timely and relevant exploration of a generation that is choking on its own self-esteem. Be forewarned--she's talking to you, and there's not much sugar to help this medicine go down. Still, it should be required reading for anyone born after 1975, and in my classes, it is required reading.

Friday, May 7, 2010

i hereby bequeath

the red death

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brilliant