brilliance vs. um, no

I'll keep an ongoing short list parsed from an ongoing long list of what's worth reading and what's not in my somewhat inconsistent, but always honest opinion. Textbooks, fashion magazines, nonfiction, literary tales, and the back of shampoo bottles: I read them all. So check out the lists below.

Eat again. Pray again. Love again.

16. You SHALL realize that actually any man anywhere reminds you of your ex.

17. Including the meat heads at the gym--so, you SHALL do 150 squats instead of 50 squats and smugly think to yourself "Let me show you how it's done, boys."

18. You SHALL rediscover the merits of refined sugar, white flour, trans fats and Vodka(see #17 again).

19. You SHALL stop shaving your legs every. single. freaking. day.

20. You SHALL be fully aware of all the things you shouldn't say and then you SHALL say them anyway. Ditto for the rebound you shouldn't date, the dog you shouldn't buy, and the red hair that looked so so cute on Rachel McAdams.

21. You SHALL run into your ex with his new girlfriend for the first time when stumbling out of a cab one morning with crimped hair and glitter on your cheek. You SHALL be wearing an acid-washed denim skirt and ripped leggings after having attended an 80s bash in the Hamptons the night before. (I swear! No seriously! I meant to look like this and oh my, yes, it's soooo nice to finally meet you, Katarina).

22. You SHALL assign a totally unfair,impromptu, in-class essay and blog when you should be teaching and not feel even a half of an ounce of professional guilt.

23. You SHALL be left only with photos of you with your ex, taken by your ex, or taken for your ex, which leads to the unfortunate "No photo available" on all those dating sites you plan to join, like, now.

24. You shall promise yourself you won't call and then you will.

25. You shall promise yourself you won't cry AGAIN and then grrrr... you will.

26. Sad but true-you SHALL once more contemplate the convent or perhaps updating your spring wardrobe with large maroon cardigans, but you (listen very very carefully here, ladies)SHALL NEVER EVER contemplate buying a multitude of cats.

27. You SHALL spend an inordinate amount of time in the hosiery aisle at Target weighing your options. Ditto for the "Guides to Amish Quilt-making" aisle at Barnes and Noble.

28. You SHALL take a stroll down your dark side. Oh you SHALL.

29. You SHALL contemplate all sorts of unsavory things that fall squarely under the category of "Hell hath no fury..."

29. You SHALL, however, restrain yourself. For your sake, dear. Not his.

30. You SHALL swear by all you know to be true in this world that you won't laugh again AND THEN...AND THEN...
one random Friday afternoon you will.

Don't eat. Don't pray. Don't love.

Yesterday I promised the 10 Commandments of a Break Up. Well, there's more like 30 (sorry, grief makes me wordy)-- and yes, they've all been personally tested and approved by moi at one time or another. Here's the first 15.

1. You SHALL suffer from an inferiority complex and at first try to remedy it in a non-agressive way, such as scanning the New York Times for misspellings and grammar mistakes glibly muttering to yourself: You think you're so smart Mr. Big Dog Editor well take that as you circle the erroneous use of a comma. Unfullfilled and unvindicated, you then SHALL get real and pick a fight with people who can actually hear you, such as the mailman and the boy who bags your groceries at Trader Joe's.

2. You SHALL take a cue from the Bible and give yourself exactly six days to mourn and then look up on day 7 (and counting...) and say to yourself "Oh, this is soooo NOT good."

3. You SHALL contemplate joining the Peace Corp., the convent, and the circus, but then settle on Knitters Anonymous (in the name of prevention of course).

4. You SHALL reacquaint yourself with Insane Clown Posse, Ludicris, Dr. Dre, and KISS.

5. You SHALL be "unfriended" and it SHALL sting a bit more than expected.

6. Your godsister SHALL also be "unfriended" in the first move of what is sure to become a cyber custody battle.

7. You SHALL fill an entire dry erase board with lecture notes in black permanent marker. You SHALL remind yourself that someday this will be funny.

8. You SHALL suddenly rediscover the often overlooked brilliance of Winston Churchill when you read his quote: "If you find yourself going through hell, keep going." You SHALL say it over and over to yourself in your best English accent when necessary.

9. You SHALL get up at 5 a.m., shower, dress, pack a lunch, and drive 25 miles to work. You SHALL then realize it is Saturday.

10. You SHALL dislike Jennifer Aniston just a little bit less.

11. You SHALL assign triple homework to the poor fools in your class. You SHALL later learn that this is called "misappropriated anger."

12. You SHALL sleep on your friends' sofas for a slightly humiliating number of nights and then you shall buy your own freaking sofa (one that someone can actually get up the stairwell this time).

13. You SHALL realize that every man in a suit at Starbucks reminds you of your ex.

14. You SHALL contemplate giving up Starbucks.

15. You SHALL promptly realize that he can take your dignity, your sanity, your sleep, and your appetite, but BY GOD! HE WILL NOT TAKE YOUR COFFEE!

Tomorrow: 16-30.

all is fair

In the spirit of looking on the bright side, I'm reinstating my blog. If the return of my sense of humor is my consolation prize, so be it. Bear with me as I am uncharacteristically clumsy with my words and thoughts as of late, though I assure you that I catch in the corner of my eye pieces of my old self glimmering among the wreckage.

Now that the sappy stuff is out of the way, please note that this blog has necessarily changed directions. Last year I was a singlesomething high school teacher at a private high school living in Las Vegas. Now, I'm a singlesomething professor at various institutions of, ahem, alleged higher learning caught in the frigid tides of a Cleveland February (Hello, God. It's me, Molly. WHY? WHY? WHY?).

I've archived the old posts from Sin City should you be extraordinarily (even by Cleveland standards)bored one evening, and am now moving forward. I'm on the plane, and while I checked my heart at the gate, I'm certain it will arrive safely and in tact at my destination. So here's to fair skies, a smooth landing, and some decent in-flight reading.

Tomorrow: The 10 Commandments of a Break Up