smut, fluff, and a crib sheet

After I awarded Golden Globes to two of my juniors for their applause-worthy reenactments of students who actually have cogent* excuses for not turning in their composition notebooks, I thought about grading essays while my class pretended to study for its final tomorrow. Instead, did a bit of illegal web-surfing to research handwriting analysis and infidels.

Crib sheet results:
Gaps, words tightened up or words out of alignment mean* he is a liar.

Large lower loops should be construed as phallic in nature, meaning he is obsessed with sex. And a liar.

Words written outside of the margins mean he is a Social Deviant. And a liar.

Forked tongue stroke through an O (such as is evident in O.J. Simpson’s signature) means he is a bad communicator. And a murderer.

Ambiguous letters mean he is a con artist. And… a liar.


I also came across a tidbit which, while useful, could be filed under smut and fluff*: Blue-eyed men subconsciously choose light-eyed partners. Why? Since both parties carry recessive genes, dark-eyed offspring would be an inarguable indicator of infidelity.


*eLLe speLLs cogent means convincing, as in an argument, and theirs were not: Really, Cecily, you’re telling me that a rogue gust of wind blew your five-subject notebook into the swimming pool last night? And honestly, Blaze, you’re saying that you left it on the school bus by mistake this morning? After the adrenaline wore off from performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation on the driver, Mr. Prufrock? Yes? Really? Aren’t you an angel. Never mind that we DON’T have school buses, Blaze. Bless your heart.

OK, Kate and Leo, stop making spectacles of yourselves, and SIT DOWN.

*Good Grammar is the New Black
Subject Verb Agreement: while it may be tempting to use the word means in this sentence, please note that the rule states that whenever the subject of a sentence is compound (more than one) and is separated by an “or” or “nor” the verb agrees with the subject closest to it. Therefore, in this sentence means must agree with words. NOT ALIGNMENT! Alignment is the object of the preposition and therefore it dictates NOTHING in the sentence.


*No, I don’t actually read smut and fluff, and no, I certainly don’t read fluff and smut in the bathtub by candlelight. I’m a lit teacher. Duh.