smut, fluff and culturally relevant specimens

Contrary to popular assumption, English teachers do not read Shakespeare over the summer. In fact, it is not a stretch to say that we make up a signficant portion of the readership of publications like InStyle, People, and Oprah Magazine between the months of May and September (Vogue is post-summer reading, due to it's serious treatment of the current season's on-trend eyelash length and the generous sprinkling of foreign surnames and words like "haute couture").

I admit to devouring the written word year round, but in the summer the spam filters are turned off and, therefore, I find myself more often than not reading one of the two of the following:

FLUFF.
Fluff may be defined as any irrelevant and mostly benign specimen of modern culture. It garners you cheery inclusion among the staff at the nail salon, your remedial summer English class, and 95% of tourists from LA. Fluff, I have found, is the perfect antidote to maybe Macbeth, and certainly remedial summer English class essays, and fat days. Examples include Angels and Demons, Twilight,Glamour magazine, and any book that if made into a movie would star Cameron Diaz. Instructions for use are simple: don dark sunglasses, stear clear of any casino pools where bored, spoiled (i.e. unemployed) Canyon Day School students hang out in between golf lessons with Tiger Woods and microdermabrasion appointments at Red Rock, and read away with dignity in tact.

SMUT.
Smut may be defined as any irrelevant and slightly insulting specimen of modern culture that must not, under any circumstance, be seen in your hands. Smut is the antidote to nothing. It is the only suitable reward after a day of teaching a remedial English summer class while your more fortunate contemporaries are writing a travel story from Bali. Examples include Newsweek , romance novels, and Cosmopolitan magazine* or any book that if made into a film would star Lindsay Lohan.** Instructions for use are just as simple as those for fluff, though failure to comply perfectly is hazardous: don dark sunglasses, feign that said publications are for your 12-year-old cousin who is suffering from mono at the check out line at Vons,and peruse only in the privacy of your bubble bath, preferably with a dry martini or shot of Goose to loosen yourself up and calm any self-depricating scoffing. Delve in only after too drunk to care about dignity or any other multi-syllabic word.

CULTURALLY RELEVANT PIECES of WRITING.
Culturally relevant pieces of writing are, ironically, not that relevant. In fact, mentioning such an article or book during a dinner party discussion while seated at the (presumably) grown-up table will most likely bring about blank stares or a strategical verbal volley--usually a reference to LeBron's shooting average in last night's NBA game. Reference to Bill Buckley or Toni Morrison offers a paltry return in both conversation and peer-group esteem at best and the presumption that you are just showing off at worst. Examples include 95% ofThe Atlantic, any play by Oscar Wilde and any book that if turned into a film would star Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio or Meryl Streep. Directions for use are even more simple than for Fluff and Smut: Unless you are discussing it with the man you are sleeping with (who, of course, given your general good taste would not meet you with a blank stare when you cross reference Salome with the bible), keep it to yourself.