i should write a letter

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Starbucks,

I told myself last week that if your Cleveland staff kicks me out one more time five minutes before the store closes, I was going to write you a letter. I could go on here about the obvious lack of time-telling skills among your Cleveland baristas, but really it all comes down to mathematics. AND LUCKY FOR YOU, I've found myself with a bit more spare time than usual as of late, so I've gone to the trouble of crunching the numbers for you.

I have been drinking Starbucks coffee consistently for five years. By "consistently," I mean twice a day without fail. Yes, I'm that one customer who has shown up twice before noon on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and twice after 5 pm on Christmas Day for the last five years (picture me waving and smiling at you here).

I'm the girl who has chosen one place of residence over another depending on proximity to one of your stores in various US cities, including New York, Chicago, Las Vegas and as you already know, Cleveland.

I'm the girl who is still pen pals with several baristas from said various US cities.

I'm the girl who boldly (get it?) puts up with the inevitable "coffee snob" label that comes along with refusing to drink coffee from any other establishment, including my good mother's own kitchen.

I'm the girl who tows your coffee around the gym like a walking billboard (do you have any idea how effective a marketing tool this is for you?).

I'm the girl who forgoes cashmere sweaters and new cars for Christmas in lieu of Starbucks gift cards from everyone I know.

I'm also the girl who entrusted my heart to Starbucks when I met the man I was planning on marrying there one snowy morning--I figured that he at least had enough sense to drink only the best coffee, and this was a good enough start for me. Now, of course, this assumption has turned out to be horribly horribly wrong, and we are currently in the process of a custody battle over regional Starbucks locations and even the baristas are taking sides BUT I DIGRESS...

Here's my point:
Five years=1,825 days.
1,825 days X 2 grande bolds at $1.95 each with regional differences in cost and inflation taken into account= $7,117.50

Did you get that? $7,117.50!

I'm sure you have heard of this thing called the "Latte Factor?" Well, I AM THE LATTE FACTOR. Look down at that expertly tailored suit and Italian-made shoes you are wearing right now. Look outside your corner office window at the Jag you just made your monthly payment on right now. You're freaking welcome.

As it turns out, nine days out of 10 I have more money on my Starbucks card than I do in my checking account. In return, all I am asking for is the five minutes of free WiFi I have diligently sipped my way to earning.

venti love,
m.

p.s. Pike's Place sucks