it's the little things...

On my official list of "Things Academics Do But Pretend They Don't"* is listening regularly to the Gayle King Show on Oprah XM.

This morning Gayle complained about an email she received from a man with whom her friends had arranged for her to meet on a blind date. The man wrote of the plans he had for their first meeting, which included getting "buzzzzzzzzzzed in the lounge of a bowling alley" on Manhattan's west side. Mind you, Gayle and Casanova were meeting for lunch. Mind you, Casanova also offered "if we get too buzzzzzzzzzzzzzed to bowl, then we can shoot some pool." Mind you, even I know that Gayle King does not drink and even if I didn't know this, I would still know that no woman over the legal drinking age actually wants to get buzzed at 11:30 am and use a stick to push balls with a buzzzzzzzzed man she doesn't know. Despite the lame date proposal, Gayle announced that the real reason she cancelled the date was that she could never ever date a man like this--that is, a man who onomotopoeiad getting rocked.

I reference scenarios like these to explain why I am a conscientous objector to blind dates. If you're reading this mom, I know, I know--I need to be "open" to the possibilities. BUT I wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without having seen them first, and in my book, the analogous relationship between men and shoes is one that I could wax eloquent on for a surprisingly long time, though I'll spare you.

Anyway, Gayle's little anecdote this morning led me to contact a few of my single friends to find out what that one thing is that is a dealbreaker when it comes to dating men. I wasn't asking them about serious issues like religion or politics. Life has a funny way of crossing stars and pairing unlikely couples together just for the fun of it anyways and the BIG non-negotiables often aren't. I was interested in the little things my friends refuse to compromise on right from the start. A random sample:

"I would never date a man who wears white socks with black shoes."

"I would never date a man who wears turtlenecks."

"I would never date a man named Dale."

"I would never date a man who contemplated for even one minute going into the priesthood."

"I would never date a man whose mother still does his laundry." (Amen, sister.)

"I would never date a man whose hands are smaller than mine."

"I would never date a man who has better legs than me."

"I would never date a man who calls his pants 'trousers' or 'slacks'."

"I would never date a man who actually knows and understands the difference between 'trousers' and 'slacks'."

The problem, of course, is that you have to date a man first in order to find out whether you would never ever date him. Unless of course, you get a little creative.

Hence, tomorrow's post: The Questionaire

*M's "I Do But Pretend I Don't List"
Read Teen Vogue in the bath tub
Kinda like Tyra Banks
Harbor a long-standing desire to play Roller Derby
Vote Republican
Listen to Bananarama's Cruel Cruel Summer and the Glee soundtrack without a smidgen of shame
Use serious literature, such as Sun Tzu's The Art of War for personal, self-serving purposes
Wing a lecture here and there