The Lake: A Cautionary Tale for Boys Everywhere

Continued...

As I was saying in my last post, I'm going to help the boys out again by relaying a story I heard from an undisclosed, yet reliable--I assure you--source.

I can vouch personally for the fact that if an Ohio boy takes you on a boat, you're going to be returned to land in pretty much the same condition as when you first pushed off. However, the same cannot be said for the unfortunate Ohio boy who is taken to the Lake* by an Ohio Girl.

So boys, should an Ohio girl pull into your driveway one bright and early morning and quite officiously inform your father who is innocently picking up the Sunday paper that she is taking you to the lake, remember that where this story is going is downhill. In fact there is evidence that these occurrences are two of several warning signs.

Others may include but are not limited to the even vaguest of vague notions that you have somehow made her angry the night before and that she is still in her pajamas, her hair is in a bun, and she is wearing no makeup. Why should her physical appearance tip you off? Because, you see, she is making a sartorial point: taking you to the Lake has NOTHING to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with you.

And even if you aren't the brightest bulb in the box and you receive a text message in all capital letters from a girl in your driveway telling you to GET DRESSED OR NOT WHATEVER because YOU ARE GETTING OUT OF BED AND COMING DOWNSTAIRS AND GOING TO THE LAKE, at the very least recall the mobster movies of your not so distant youth--nothing good ever came from some poor chap being escorted to the Lake. In other words, things are not going to shake out well for you,Russo.

Now should you--despite the obvious aforementioned red flags--still find yourself in the car on the way to the Lake one bright and early morning, there are still opportunities for you to realize that you, son, are not on your way to a picnic:

1. There is--now that you're looking--a conspicuous absence of a picnic basket or anything that resembles or could serve as a picnic basket.

2. There is a very large empty coffee mug next to the Ohio girl. This should be reliably read as she's caffeinated and ready and, well, you're not.

3. Despite her proximity, she is still texting you in all capital letters and ever so slowly that vaguest of vague notions that you may have somehow made her angry the night before is becoming increasingly, nauseatingly less vague with every 75 mile per hour minute that passes.

4. She pulls a bottle of your favorite whisky out of her purse and tells you to drink up. Hellooooooooooo.....this is NOT an early morning toast to your overall wonderfulness, nor should it be misinterpreted as a final act of affection. Or mercy. In fact, in certain circles, this act will later be called "criminal intent**."

*I've capitalized "Lake," so that it may serve as an Everylake. Ohio is blessed or cursed--depending on what side of the car you're sitting on--with a plethora of lakes.

**I don't want to mislead you here in anyway. The Ohio girl has no intention of physically hurting you when she drives you to the Lake. She's after a very specific brand of mental alteration that begins with her telling you to get out of the car and saying calmly but pointedly: now talk. You see, she wants answers; she wants explanations for your bad behavior. And, it is in this way that she will have you wishing you had woke up to a horse head in your bed that morning rather than her in your driveway. :)