Don't eat. Don't pray. Don't love.

Yesterday I promised the 10 Commandments of a Break Up. Well, there's more like 30 (sorry, grief makes me wordy)-- and yes, they've all been personally tested and approved by moi at one time or another. Here's the first 15.

1. You SHALL suffer from an inferiority complex and at first try to remedy it in a non-agressive way, such as scanning the New York Times for misspellings and grammar mistakes glibly muttering to yourself: You think you're so smart Mr. Big Dog Editor well take that as you circle the erroneous use of a comma. Unfullfilled and unvindicated, you then SHALL get real and pick a fight with people who can actually hear you, such as the mailman and the boy who bags your groceries at Trader Joe's.

2. You SHALL take a cue from the Bible and give yourself exactly six days to mourn and then look up on day 7 (and counting...) and say to yourself "Oh, this is soooo NOT good."

3. You SHALL contemplate joining the Peace Corp., the convent, and the circus, but then settle on Knitters Anonymous (in the name of prevention of course).

4. You SHALL reacquaint yourself with Insane Clown Posse, Ludicris, Dr. Dre, and KISS.

5. You SHALL be "unfriended" and it SHALL sting a bit more than expected.

6. Your godsister SHALL also be "unfriended" in the first move of what is sure to become a cyber custody battle.

7. You SHALL fill an entire dry erase board with lecture notes in black permanent marker. You SHALL remind yourself that someday this will be funny.

8. You SHALL suddenly rediscover the often overlooked brilliance of Winston Churchill when you read his quote: "If you find yourself going through hell, keep going." You SHALL say it over and over to yourself in your best English accent when necessary.

9. You SHALL get up at 5 a.m., shower, dress, pack a lunch, and drive 25 miles to work. You SHALL then realize it is Saturday.

10. You SHALL dislike Jennifer Aniston just a little bit less.

11. You SHALL assign triple homework to the poor fools in your class. You SHALL later learn that this is called "misappropriated anger."

12. You SHALL sleep on your friends' sofas for a slightly humiliating number of nights and then you shall buy your own freaking sofa (one that someone can actually get up the stairwell this time).

13. You SHALL realize that every man in a suit at Starbucks reminds you of your ex.

14. You SHALL contemplate giving up Starbucks.

15. You SHALL promptly realize that he can take your dignity, your sanity, your sleep, and your appetite, but BY GOD! HE WILL NOT TAKE YOUR COFFEE!

Tomorrow: 16-30.