Back East and The Appellation Trail Part One

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Out west, I learned that Back East (prop. n) is local parlance for anywhere east of the Hoover Dam. It is an ubiquitous term bandied about by West Coasters* as much as, say, rad or--more recently--pro, as in "Ms. M, I saw Kim Kardashian at my dad's casino last night and DANG, she is pro" or "Ms. M, that cardigan of yours is real pro" (and no, I didn't give the little punk an A on the essay he handed in that morning).

Saying you're from Back East conjures a kind of unqualified rugged mysteriousness, as though you had hitched your wagon to a horse and hit the Oregon trail (typhoid and coyotes be d******) when in reality you took a perfectly pressurized flight fully stocked with honey-roasted peanuts, iTunes, and cute flight attendants, checked into Caesar's for a bachelor party two years ago and--just like everything else in Vegas--stayed.

What I started to notice was that most transplants to Vegas (which, really, is everyone given that NOTHING--save dirt and silicon implants--is actually indigenous to Vegas) are there for various undisclosed and hence most likely unsavory reasons. For instance, you

1) fell in love with Jade (dude, she's so pro) at the Mint Rhino and remain hopeful that she meant it when she said she'd call you after you wrote your number on that one dollar bill...

2) lost your house at the craps table at the Mirage.

3) are still waiting for the hangover to wear off so you can find your wallet/room key/luggage/the airport.

or

4) were dealt a bad hand by your mother when she decided to name you Molly consequently shutting you out from any possibility of ever being a successful writer living in New York City, dating Mr. Big, or brunching at Balthazar's with Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte.

Monday: Yes, Number Four is Referring to Me and No, Mom, I Still Don't Have a Coffee Table or a Child

*Las Vegans continue to consider themselves to be West Coasters despite my insistence that Las Vegas is in fact in the middle of the desert and by default is not on nor even remotely close to the west coast or any coast for that matter.