boots don't lie

Personally, I would never ever date a man from Texas.

I have my reasons.

Pop Quiz

1. So, how long have you lived in Vegas/Chicago/New York?
(Truth be told, the answer to Question 1 is irrelevant. It's a lead-in meant to loosen up the guy sitting across the table from me. I mean, I don't want him to think this is an interrogation or anything).

2. So, what brought you here?
(The answer to Question 2 is also irrelevant, unless it involves alien drop-offs or a die-hard dream of becoming a male-figure skater).

3. So, where are you from originally?
(Now, if the answer is anywhere and I mean ANYWHERE but Texas then I proceed to Question 4. But, if the answer is Texas then I let the waiter know on my way out that the nice gentleman over there would like his check thank you.)

4. Asked with baited breath at this point: Are you from a state bordering Texas?
(If the answer is yes, then I must revisit his answers to both Questions 1 and 2 and determine if the once irrelevant makes up for his proximity to the Lone Star State. If the answer to Question 4 is no, we are good to go--though we aren't through yet.)

5. How do you feel about raisins?
(This question is a red herring in case he is becoming suspicious or starting to feel uneasy due to my somewhat pointed interest in his geographical origins. However, hating raisins does in fact earn him some bonus points).

The real Question 5. Have you spent any substantial amount of time in Texas since oh, I don't know, your ninth birthday or so for say longer than oh, I don't know, a long weekend?
(While asking this real Question 5 I open my purse and pretend to be fishing for a bobby pin just to seem more casual and in preparation for my possible next move).

If the answer to the real Question 5 is yes, I pretend to drop the phantom bobby pin on the floor so that I can look under the table. Boots=exposure and infection.

When I return to the upright position I pause to allow him a moment to explain. If he tells me that he spent a summer in Austin eating sprouted bagels and doing the Dave Matthews Groupie Thing after college, then fine. Austin (and pretty much anything one does right after college) doesn't really count anyway.

If the answer to the real Question 5 is no, I go ahead and order dinner. I proceed with caution, though, keeping my ear open for dead giveaways such as "Darling" and "All y'all."

Like I said, I have my reasons.